Objective Cynicism

A World of Pure Imagination: An Objective Review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

2005-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to say about this one, other than that it's taken WotW's second-place-for-the-year slot. Great fun. Dark. Sadistic. Closer to the book than the old movie except for the father subplot. I feel kind of bad for such a short review, but I really don't have anything else to say.

Well, except that I killed your baby today and it doesn't matter much to me as long as it's dead.

(21 out of 5)

Okay, you know what? After this, no more more-than-five-out-of-five ratings unless a movie enters my top ten of all time.

What Not To Do In Space: An Objective Review of Fantastic 4 (2005)

2005-07-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

The 1994 Roger Corman "spectacular" of the same name showed us that comic accuracy doesn't necessarily ensure quality. However, this film, through its combination of the 616 and Ultimate comics, achieved a not-perfect-but-still-good result.

What worked. They put in a good amount of references to the comics and kept a lot of things in that were necessary to the characters but that I thought were going to change to keep in line with the other hero movies. It captured the spirit of the characters and their motivations and stories. The effects, for the most part, were at least on par with the standard fare we see these days. They made sure to mention Latveria, not only a couple of times in the body of the film, but in the sequel hook, which was changed last-minute because The Incredibles ripped off the iconic F4 moment that was planned to serve as the sequel hook. The team dynamic and infighting worked really well. Also, it was well-paced, and despite the fact that I know scenes were cut (specifically the scene where Ben passes by the Kirby Gallery and sees Alicia's bust of him, if nothing else), it didn't feel like there was anything missing. Also, I liked the nonstandard plot structure.

What didn't work. At the beginning, Ioan Gruffud's (Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic) accent is pretty clear. As the film progresses, his accent goes away and his voice is more American, which shows that the film was filmed at least somewhat sequentially, which is very unusual. The problem is not the order it was filmed in, though, but the fact that he has that accent at the beginning. In contrast, while Julian McMahon's (Dr. Victor Von Doom) accent is there sometimes, it's not strong enough. He's supposed to be eastern European. It's pointed out that he's from Latveria, not just his ancestors. His accent shouldve been stronger. Now, for the most part, the casting was inspired. Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans couldn't have been better as Ben Grimm and Johnny Storm respectively. Ioan Gruffud and Julian McMahon were adequate, but felt like second choices (and in all honesty, they were. We were told many times through the director shuffle that George Clooney was the top choice for Mr. Fantastic and Jeremy Irons was the top candidate for Doom). Jessica Alba put in the best performance she could, and it wasn't objectively a bad performance. I just can't see her as Sue Storm. The role, I think, should've gone to Charlize Theron. But she still put in a good performance, so there's not too much to complain about from a nonfanboy perspective.

Honestly, the movie wasn't the best of the summer, but it did justice to the comic, was a lot of fun, and was worth the price of admission.

(4 out of 5)

It's The End Of The World As We Know It: An Objective Review of War of the Worlds (2005)

2005-06-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

You know, I contemplated writing a spoiler-free review, but I decided, "Uh...no."

What worked. Acting. Plot. Dialogue. Action. EVERYTHING. God, it was amazing. They kept the ending of the book and they managed to put the red weed in the movie, though it was PG-13. Man, that red weed was going all veeena jeeena (you may say that reference is esoteric, but the red weed is certainly not a food).

What didn't work. The fact that the son survived. Like, it's not bad in and of itself, but because it seemed they had the guts to kill him off, then retracted it, it seemed like a cheesy ending.

Kickass movie. Second only to Batman for the year.

(20 out of 5)

No Title Is Good Enough: An Objective Review of Batman Begins

2005-06-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

First off, let me begin by saying [insert fanboy orgasm here].

Now, there's not much I can gush about without giving away too much except...

THEY INCLUDED MR. ZSASZ!

Okay. Now that that's out of the way, go see it. Now. Like, get off your lazy ass and go. Right now. I mean it.

(25 out of 5)

Love is Pain: An Objective Review of Mr. & Mrs. Smith

2005-06-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

You know, seeing a movie twice in one day has kind of a cancelling effect. Given that and the conditions under which I saw it the second time, there's not really many specifics I remember that weren't in the trailer. So...uh...yeah. Sorry for the short review.

It's witty. It's engaging. It references Fight Club frequently and has Angelina Jolie and explosions.

(4 out of 5)

Old School Hollywood Baseball: An Objective Review of Sandlot 2

2005-06-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've seen a few DTV sequels in my day. The direct-to-video sequel is a tool used by companies who want to milk a half-dead franchise for whatever worth the little remaining life can produce.

This, however, is actually a quality film that was surprisingly good and, though it featured a new cast of characters, tied in well with the original tale without being too derivative. I mean, it was derivative to an extent, but not to the level most DTV films, especially sequels, tend to be.

Sandlot 2 revolves around a group of kids that hang out at the Sandlot ten years after the original group. The group features three girls this time, which creates a little subplot at the beginning that doesn't really get revisited. The feminism is laid on a little thick at the beginning, but eventually, it serves as humor without being derogatory or chauvinist.

What worked. The script was well-written for the most part and most of the cast was damn good for their ages. The storyline was somewhat similar to the original, but it didn't completely revolve around baseball and, while it paid homage quite a few times, it was different enough to be good.

What didn't work. The kids who couldn't act...really couldn't act. There was a lot of buildup for what ended up being just the ending you'd expect. More or less, that's all I really have to complain about.

All in all, it was an enjoyable movie, especially if you dug the first.

(4 out of 5)

Heaven is a Halfpipe: An Objective Review of Lords of Dogtown

2005-06-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dammit.

How'd Ben beat me to it? I'm the one who used to skateboard. I'm the one who knows the history.

You know, I don't know why we call this site objective.

Anyway, Lords of Dogtown, directed by Catherine Hardwicke of Thirteen fame, tells the story of the famous Z-Boys of Venice Beach, California, in the mid-to-late seventies. Written by Z-Boy and semi-protagonist Stacy Peralta, it's a fairly accurate chronicle of their story. The big changes? There were three. One, Sid's name was really Deano. That change was ridiculously useless. Two, the love triangle with Tony's sister. She was really only with Jay, and she was with him for six years. She was never with Stacy. This did serve its purpose of adding dramatic tension, but ultimately, the story did that just fine without that and the part served little more than to get a bigger part for Thirteen screenwriter/star Nikki Reed. Three, Tony Alva is four years older than Jay Adams, not the same age. That change really didn't do anything to the story.

What worked. Emile Hirsch and Victor Rasuk were the splitting images of Jay Adams and Tony Alva respectively, and they played the parts extremely well. The same applies to Heath Ledger as Skip Engblom. John Robinson is too pretty to play Stacy Peralta, but played the part very well anyway. I know someone who is the splitting image of the real Peralta, but he's not an actor. Anyway, the acting from them was good. The sets were good. I've seen images and clips of the real events and they were recreated with anal-retentive attention to detail. The soundtrack was good. The writing, although it used the word bro too much, was good. I'd like to see Peralta try his hand at some more stuff.

What didn't work. A lot of the adult actors did a poor job. Some of them have the excuse that their character is supposed to be perpetually stoned, but others just fail. Also, they had no need to rename Deano. That was really pointless.

Overall, good movie.

RIP, Mitch Hedberg.

(4 out of 5)

"It's Urethane, dude. Comes from Oil.": An Objective Review of Lords of Dogtown

2005-06-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

Lords of Dogtown is based on a true story, the credits claim. I'd say this is a pretty accurate assement, as the story takes place in the seventies, and makes about as much sense as anything in the seventies.

It's the story of a dozen or so, and later, four, skateboarders who are on the proverbial lip of the wave of skateboarding. The tale chronicles how the cutting-edge boarders got their first set of plastic wheels, designed to let you "surf on land". The first part of the film covers how these guys gathered together under the banner of the Zephyr surf shop and formed a skateboarding team that went to competitions and turned them on their heads by doing cool stuff. They also randomly started a craze of sneaking into people's back yards and skating around their empty swimming pools; I'm not sure if this was during or before their competition fame, this wasn't really well explained.

Through this, they of course become famous, and the fame and money draws the team apart. Thus begins the montage-like second half that is a series of scenes depicting how each of the various team members did, how they all rise to fame, and fall back down accordingly quickly; it also chronicles some of their sexual exploits, which turn out to be more comical than anything else.

The movie wraps up with the classic epilogue detailing how each person ended up, and some rather cool original footage of the real versions of the characters portrayed.

The movie seems to be more a profile of the original skateboarder's personalities than their actual story, since the story doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. It does paint a rather vivid picture of the kind of people who pioneered skateboarding, and I can safely say that they were almost all jerks: from the drunkard, stoner surf shop owner to the "step on the little guy to get famous" divas in the group to the "too cool for school" rebel kids who I'm sure would have been punks were they born 10 or 15 years later, but instead pioneered the idea of skating on the inside of a pipe.

It's a good movie for the pretty cool skateboarding footage, especially seeing people skating in seventies era backyard swimming pools and almost knocking their brains out on the diving board. It's a fun movie to watch, but only if you realize that the movie will portray the seventies well, and the movie would therefore be three times as good if you drop some acid before you watch it.

(3 out of 5)

UPDATE: Upon further review, I've found that the above title quote is actually from what I thought I recognized as a camoe by the late, great, Mitch Hedberg. That scene is probably the best on the in the movie just because he's the only guy who can actually pull of being a stoner in the whole flick.

"This is how it ends—with thunderous applause.": An Objective Review of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

2005-05-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

As the last shot irises out, you can almost see the opening crawl of Episode IV. The entire franchise comes full circle.

In the middle, and last, installment of the Star Wars Trilogy, George Lucas has made a fitting ending that is at the same time just the beginning. The overall movie is very plot-driven; it dithers less from a cohesive story than the first two.

Going in, the viewer knows that many aspects of the film have to get from the proverbial point A to the likewise and similarly proverbial point B. All the places that you expect to go, you do. At the same time, the movie still has its own twists and turns unforeseen but that fit in perfectly. This is all accomplished in a very balanced manner that doesn't feel rushed, but doesn't feel lagging either. The plot is involving enough that you may find yourself contemplating the conversation that just ended and ignoring the battle currently happening on screen.

George Lucas and the wizards at ILM have certainly proved once and for all that if it can be imagined, it can be realized on the screen. The entire first five minutes of the movie is one long shot following a pair of small fighters through a massive orbital space battle, which is indistinguishable from real battles. Lucas clearly had this as a vision twenty-eight years ago, but didn't have the technology to be able to do it. The visual shift from the third to fourth episodes will be quite phenomenal and perhaps disheartening, since you know that the space battles won't be quite as real for latter half of the series.

This is certainly not the Star Wars of old, however: the days of adding in pools of blood to up the rating are gone. The movie is clearly not intended to be kid-friendly as was attempted with Episode I. The PG-13 rating comes replete with decaptitations, mutilations, genocide and bloody betrayal. I saw a number of parents who must have totally ignored the buzz about the abnormally high rating since they brought kids who could not have been much older 4 years old ("Star Wars? That's kid stuff, right? Just like Batman Returns is kiddie comic books stuff.")

Get your absence notes and mind tricks ready, kids: you'll need 'em after staying out late to see this movie twice.

(5 out of 5)

We Don't Got Death Star Quite Yet: An Objective Review of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

2005-05-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I officially forgive Lucas for Jar-Jar.

Aside from Padme naming the goddamn children, completely ruining the twist that is not available for us but would be to anyone watching the films sequentially having never seen the godly OT, and the wookiees being little more than a namedrop...oh, man.

And whoever says Palpatine's ascent to power is a Bush allegory is a fucking moron who needs to be neutered or spayed as to not be allowed to pass their genes on and harm future generations. Seriously. I can see where the comparison comes from, but the story follows the outline set out in the movies (and especially the novel versions of those movies) since 19-goddamn-77. Unless George Lucas has a time machine and decided, "Hey, I'm gonna go back to 19-goddamn-77 and tell myself that the president these days is a fucking moron and I should make a series of movies about it," you need to go home and die. If you believe that shit, you're a load your mother should've swallowed.

(10 out of 5)

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish: An Objective Review of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2005-04-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been some time since my last review.

Here's the deal, kids. Douglas Adams wrote a couple drafts of the script and left some notes behind of what other things he wanted, which were adapted by Karey Kirkpatrick into what was put on film. Here's what the Guide has to say on the results:

"Mostly hilarious."

I won't spoil too much, both because you need to see it and because of the state in which I write this review (It's 2 AM after a punk show and prom), but there were a few things that I felt detracted from the movie. Specifically, two things. One, they didn't read the Guide's entry on towels, which totally made Ford's emphasis on the importance of towels seem like a random fetish. Two, Humma Kavula, a cult leader played by John Malkovich of Being John Malkovich fame. Dude, that character and his cult and his gun subplot totally detracted from the movie. It was just kind of in there randomly and didn't change shit. The point-of-view gun was integral to the love story aspect, which was Adams' idea (although the entire Humma Kavula thing was Adams' idea), but I think it could've been left out or replaced with something better.

All in all, don't believe the negativity. The guys behind this one know where their towels are.

(5 out of 5)

It's 11:14. Do You Know Where Your Kids Are?: An Objective Review of 11:14

2005-04-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

In today's world of copycats and Xerox-principle creative capitalism, few movies break the boundaries and try to do something truly original. 11:14 is one of those few movies. Featuring a nice cast including Rachel Leigh Cook (yeah, I know, someone finally hired her again), Jason Segel (Mike from SLC Punk and Sam from Slackers), Ben Foster (Dave from The Punisher), Patrick Swayze, Hilary Swank, Colin Hanks, Rick Gomez (of Pete & Pete, Animatrix, and Sin City fame), and several other qualified actors, this movie chronicles the events leading to a horrible chain of events occuring at 11:14 PM.

I can't really spoil anything, since telling details would ruin the effect of the movie, but let's just say it's awesome. The pacing was a little off, but that's forgivable since it was essentially playing backwards and over and over.

(5 out of 5)

I Love Livin' In The City: An Objective Review of Sin City

2005-04-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this may not be such an objective review.

Anyone who knows comics knows Frank Miller is brilliant, especially if they've read any of his amazing Sin City graphic novels. This movie takes The Hard Goodbye (the original Sin City story, recently renamed by Miller when the books got new covers), The Big Fat Kill, and That Yellow Bastard, along with the short story The Customer is Always Right, and literally translates them to film, paying as much anal-retentive attention to detail as one can. And the result is essentially flawless.

I'm not going to go into detail since I can't avoid spoilers with this one, but trust me...you won't be disappointed. My only complaints are Nancy's lesser state of undress (only because it makes the adaptation less literal), a couple of the shots of people being knocked backward, and the fact that they didn't use A Dame To Kill For and jumped straight to The Big Fat Kill.

Either way, this is hands-down the best film I've seen this year so far.

(10 out of 5)

Racism 101: An Objective Review of Guess Who

2005-03-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this review by saying that I am one of Ashton Kutcher's few fans (he proved himself in The Butterfly Effect) and that Bernie Mac is one of the most hilarious people alive and is the star of one of the best shows currently on television. These facts, however, couldn't save this lame remake of Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Ultimately, damn near every attempt at humor fell flat and the movie ended up being one of the least funny comedies I've ever seen. It was racist, sexist, homophobic, and filled with sophomoric humor (I was surprised at the noninclusion of fart jokes). If that's what you like, good for you, but I laughed maybe thrice, two of those times coming within the last half hour of the damn-near-two-hour film.

Now, this isn't to say that I didn't expect anything racial. I mean, the entire premise was built on race relations. But instead of saying that we're all people and it doesn't matter who you are, it was like, "Each race is essentially exactly like they're stereotyped to be, but they're still allowed to love each other." The sentiment would've been sweet in 1955, but, surprising as it may be, half a century has passed since then. Ashton Kutcher's character, Simon, and the female lead, Theresa, had excellent chemistry and I got kind of choked up during one tense scene toward the end. Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher also played very well off each other. I feel that if this had been written better, it could've been a great movie with a great lesson in equality, but instead, we got gay jokes, go-kart driving, and Theresa telling her sister that white men's penises are bigger than black guys' penises. Some of the characterizations were good; Bernie Mac played essentially the same role as on his TV show, which is hilarious; his character's wife was a good, three-dimensional, strong woman; Kutcher's character was interesting in that I could relate to him because he was raised by his mother when his father left and he worked his way to success while being confident but awkward and saying the wrong things under pressure; and Theresa wasn't, unlike every black woman in the movie save for her movie, a walking charicature. In spite of the good things I have to say and the strong final ten to fifteen minutes, in the end, it's not remotely funny and not a good movie until it's about to end. I wouldn't recommend it unless you don't have to pay and have nothing better to do.

(2 out of 5)

Bite My Shiny Metal Ass: An Objective Review of Robots

2005-03-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

This is probably my one feel-good movie of the year. I was forced to see it, but I'm glad I did. The plot was simple, the events were predictable, and the ending wasn't anything you didn't see coming from the beginning. But it was bloody hilarious, and really, what else matters in a kid's movie?

The film, a CG-animated feature from those behind Ice Age, centers around Rodney Copperbottom (Ewan McGregor), a smalltown robot who goes to the big city to pursue his dream of being an inventor. When he arrives, he finds that his hero has been ousted from his position at the top of his company and has been replaced by a coldhearted greedy bastard who is trying to turn all the robots not rich enough to buy upgrades into scrap metal to increase his mother's profits (his mother runs the "chop shop"). Rodney has to work with a group of outdated robots (and one upgraded one, played by Halle Berry) to save the day.

A lot of things worked in this movie. At least sixty percent of the dialogue was innuendo and about twenty percent of it was pop culture references to things too old or obscure for most of the intended audience (and in the case of the more obscure ones, their parents) to understand. It was hilarious. It was generally a happy story with lots of funny and very dirty things, most of which involve Fender, Robin Williams' character.

Fender, however, was one of the things that didn't really work. I mean, he worked sometimes, especially later in the movie, but at the beginning and parts of the middle, he was kind of annoying. Basically, Fender is what happens when you take the Genie from Aladdin (also played by Williams), Bender from Futurama, Donkey from Shrek, and a few other characters fairly similar to those three, and shove them into a blender. Or a CPU, as the case may be. Either way, a lot of Fender's material fell flat for the first of the movie. Halle Berry's character, Cappy, was an entirely useless character and, in my eyes, took away from the happy ending and the message of the movie. Throughout the whole movie, Fender's younger sister Piper obviously has it bad for Rodney and it seems as though he has it for her as well. But then, all of a sudden, Halle Berry comes along and he ends up with her. Wait, so in a movie whose message is that everyone can be great, no matter what they look like, etc., the main character gives up an outdated robot who loves him for a piece of eye candy played by HALLE GODDAMN BERRY?! Ugh.

But overall, in spite of a paint-by-numbers plot, the humor and visuals are well-worth the price of admission.

(4 out of 5)

Pull Up Your Alans, Betty Crocker: An Objective Review of Layer Cake

2005-03-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, it was announced that Matthew Vaughn, producer of the classic Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and the excellent Snatch (God, that sounds wrong), is the new director for X-Men 3 now that Sam Raimi has dropped out. Idiots on the Hype boards were quick to call him a hack because he's friends with Guy Ritchie, who directed LS&2SB and Snatch, which is a problem for them because Ritchie is married to Kaballah ninja/crappy popstar Madonna. I wasn't blinded by such "egregious hackery" as that friendship and decided instead to *gasp* judge for myself by watching his directorial debut, the new Layer Cake. Let me tell you, Layer Cake is excellent, and there are few more worthy of the director's chair than Vaughn.

It centers around an unnamed protagonist in his attempts to get out of the drug business. I'm not going to spoil any more for you, but it is an excellent film. And you almost get to see Sienna Miller's boobs. Almost.

The story is a little hard to follow at times, but the payoff is well worth it and the ending is...well, you'll just have to see for yourself.

(5 out of 5)

Pwnt: An Objective Review of Ong-Bak

2005-03-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

Having not been to the movies since Constantine, I was eager to get out and see a movie. That opportunity could not have presented itself better. Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior is brilliant. It's funny and action-packed. The fight scenes are killer. Nothing short of amazing. Things that make you want to say either owned or pwnt. Not really pwned, so much, except for the end of the final fight sequence, which I won't reveal.

The plot revolves around Ting (Tony Jaa, who could very well become the next Bruce Lee), a rural man who is about to be ordained as a monk. A scumbag from the city, Don (Wannakit Sirioput), decides to steal the head of Ong-Bak, the town's Buddha statue, when a man won't sell him a valuable pendant, and the townspeople send Ting after it. I won't reveal too much of the plot, but let me tell you, the movie is AWESOME.

And I want one of those tricycle things.

(5 out of 5)

He's Not Your Average Boondock Saint: An Objective Review of Constantine

2005-02-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

Constantine is a movie that has worried me from the beginning.

I was introduced to the character of John Constantine through Neil Gaiman's brilliant graphic novel The Books of Magic. The character is very sarcastic, kind of an asshole, and a chain smoker. Despite my worries that he'd fuck it up, Keanu Reeves did an excellent job of pulling that character off. Unfortunately, he was neither British nor blonde, nor did he wear a tan trenchcoat. These gripes, which seemed major until I actually saw the film, led many a fan to label the movie JCINO or ConstantINO. The script was written very well and I'm sure any fans not convinced after seeing the movie for themselves would've liked it had he been blonde and had the accent. The lines were perfectly in character and Reeves did a good job delivering them.

Other than the hair color and national origin of the protagonist, I had no real gripes with the movie. I had a problem with them using the Latin part of the prayer from Boondock Saints, but then I got in the car and thought about the little bit of Latin I know and realized, "Oh wait. Et patri, et fili, spirtus sancti means the father, the son, the Holy Spirit." And then I just felt really dumb. Because, come on, that should've been obvious.

(5 out of 5)

Anarchy in the USA: An Objective Review of The Anarchist Cookbook

2005-02-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

Few modern movies are deep or insightful. Even independent films are going the way of Hollywood. Not so in the case of The Anarchist Cookbook. This movie is very entertaining and insightful. It's also a perfect display of the Joker principle: one bad day can be the difference between a hero and a psychopath. In this case, it isn't any character that becomes a hero or a psychopath after one day, but Sam, the anarchist commune in which the characters live.

The film starts off like a combination of Fight Club and SLC Punk. It stays that way for the first half of the movie. After that, it becomes more and more absurd, in an illustrative way that adds to the film instead of detracting from it (with the exception of two or three scenes). Parts of it are derivative of SLC Punk and Fight Club, but that doesn't prevent it from telling its own unique story. The subtle but effective way Johnny Black brings Sam into his control, much to the chagrin of the protagonist, Puck, is almost frighteningly well-executed.

I had a couple of qualms with the film. First, Double D, Puck's best friend, is highly underutilized. He doesn't have many lines after Johnny Black shows up and doesn't really have as profound an effect on the movie as he's obviously intended to. Toward the end, during the period of absurdity, Johnny Red is overused and detracts from the movie. I understand his purpose, but I don't care for how it was executed. Also, the character of Karla was set up to be a good character. Her fall from grace, although not completely understandable as Sam's descent into madness happened too quickly, makes a little bit of sense (though I'd rather have seen her become a voice of reason considering how strong of a character she was before Johnny Black showed up) , but the lack of rehabilitation is a bit disappointing.

Regardless of its flaws, The Anarchist Cookbook was a well-made and entertaining movie.

And remember, Nazis: Don't eat the Puckjacks.

(4 out of 5)

The Curator's New Boobs: An Objective Review of Alone in the Dark

2005-02-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

Had I been in charge of naming this movie, I'd have named it Ed Wood's Alien. That's precisely what this movie felt like. Ed Wood's rendition of a prequel to Alien. Uwe Boll, the man responsible for the second worst movie of all time, House of the Dead, obviously either had the ouija board out or found a post-mortem cell phone number, because it's obvious he went to the late Ed Wood for advice on filmmaking.

Alone in the Dark, which shares nothing but the title and two character names with the game on which it's based, is a derivative piece of slop wretched enough to warrant its one percent rating on IMDB, but not as bad as its predecessor. Then again, saying that Alone in the Dark is better than House of the Dead is like saying you'd rather have your eye gouged out with a knife than a spoon. It may hurt less, but it hurts. Oh, how it hurts.

This movie most heavily rips off Alien. The creatures are extremely reminiscent of the Xenomorphs of the Alien series. In fact, the agents of 713, the fictional US government bureau of the paranormal, refer to the creatures as xenos, obviously short for Xenomorphs. It also blatantly rips off Resident Evil and its sequel in a lot of ways. It takes a lot of camera tricks from The Matrix and Fight Club and takes everything that was cool about them away. The final shot is what happens when you shoot the final shot of Resident Evil with the camera work used for the last shot of Evil Dead. And the sad thing is that none of these shots or aspects hold a candle to any part of any of the movies they were so blatantly stolen from.

There were some obvious mistakes made in this movie. First off, Tara Reid as an archaeologist and museum curator. I disagree with those who say she delivered the lines like a ditzy blonde, but she was still undeniably wrong for the part and was in no way even remotely convincing. She and Christian Slater, who plays the protagonist, Edward Carnby, have no chemistry whatsoever, which makes their random sex scene just that much more random. You almost see Tara Reid's new boobs, but not quite. Good thing, too, because fake boobs are just...no. Anyway, the plot sucks. The dialogue sucks. The acting was phoned in from the actors that usually put out good performances and horrendous from those who don't. The entire film seemed at best like a made-for-TV movie and at worst...

Uwe Boll, for the love of all that is good and holy, please STOP MAKING MOVIES. Especially video game movies. Fuck, man, if the fan backlash hadn't forced WB to axe the DDR movie, I'm sure you'd have volunteered to fuck that one up, too. Just go back to Germany with your limited earnings and buy a cottage or something. Your movies suck.

I apologize in advance to all Bloodrayne, Hunter: The Reckoning, Far Cry, Hitman, and Warcraft fans. You poor kids. You all deserve hugs right about now.

(1 out of 5)

Step Two, Play In My Blood: An Objective Review of Dead and Breakfast

2005-02-03T18:31:00.000-08:00

And I thought Kill Bill was unrealistic in its dispensal of bright red blood.

Dead and Breakfast, which features Kill Bill's David Carradine in a small role and his niece Ever in a much larger one, has been hailed by indie film fans as America's answer to Shaun of the Dead. I heavily disagree. While this was also a unique horror comedy, it was more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party or Club Dread than Shaun of the Dead. Not to say that this is bad. I liked both Psycho Beach Party and Club Dread. It's just that neither of them is as funny or as brilliant as Shaun of the Dead. And neither is this. The humor is much more lowbrow for the most part. A lot of the jokes fall really flat. Most of the characters are unlikeable. None of the characters really feel developed by the end of the film. Sure, you learn a lot about them, but none of them really feel like complete characters. For an indie effort, this was entertaining enough and had enough unique stuff to carry it through. But it doesn't hold a candle to most other horror comedies.

And they're not really zombies.

(3 out of 5)

When Frank Met Donnie: An Objective Review Of Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut

2005-01-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

Whoo, I'm on a DC spree...

Donnie Darko is simply the greatest movie ever made. I thought, what could a director's cut possibly add? Turns out, not that much. Was it better? Minimally. For fans, not much is different and not many more scenes are added that weren't already on the DVD, and, in my humble opinion, the added scenes kind of throw off the pacing a little. For people who haven't seen it before or for those who didn't get it when they saw it before, the director's cut is a lot more clear. I guess it all depends on what you're looking for.

For those who don't know what the greatest film of all time is about, it follows Donnie Darko, a troubled teenager played by Jake Gyllenhaal, over the course of twenty-eight days, six hours, forty-two minutes, and twelve seconds as he awaits (and attempts to understand) the end of the world, as predicted by a man in a bunny suit named Frank (played by SLC Punk's James Duval), who saves him from a jet engine that crashes into his room. It's about as weird as it sounds, but not in a campy or unintentionally funny way. The unusual premise is handled expertly.

One big improvement of the director's cut over the theatrical cut is the improved sound quality. Those who saw it in theaters (like me) or own it on DVD (like me) know that the volume is extremely low and that you have to turn it up close to maximum volume to hear it well. This issue is corrected in the director's cut, which works well for the effect of the movie.

Overall, the director's cut is only a minimal improvement, but seeing as it's THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, it's okay. At least I got another opportunity to see it in theaters.

(25 out of 5)

A Studio Without Hope is a Studio With a Subpar Theatrical Cut: An Objective Review of Daredevil: Director's Cut

2005-01-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

The executives at Fox need to be shot.

Once upon a time, a writer/director and adamant comic book fanboy by the name of Mark Steven Johnson approached Fox Studios with an idea for the next big comic book adaptation. After the success of the adaptation of the lesser-known character Blade, the studio figured that another darker, second-tier character could easily succeed. It went into production around the same time as Spider-Man, on the condition that big-name stars be cast in the lead roles. The titular role went to Ben Affleck for his uncanny resemblance to Joe Quesada's version of Matt Murdock in the famous (and absolutely amazing) Guardian Devil arc, written by Affleck's friend Kevin Smith (who has a fairly entertaining cameo in the film). When the finished film was shown to Fox, they demanded heavy changes that forced the film to be released almost a year after Spider-Man, even though the film was finished first. These changes included forty-five minutes of cuts so that the movie would be rated PG-13, last an hour and a half, and emphasize the relationship between Matt Murdock and Elektra. They also demanded music by popular artists (and one band that was made popular by being featured on the soundtrack) be played throughout. MSJ obliged and we recieved the awesome but not incredible film that was released in theaters in February of 2003.

In December of 2004, the problems with the theatrical cut were eradicated.

The director's cut, while still including the music that will come to date the movie in ten or fifteen years, is an amazing piece of cinema. I only have a few minor gripes.

1. The Nickelback song in the barfight and the use of Bring Me To Life in the training sequence. The barfight was more brutal and all-around badass in the director's cut and the stupid Nickelback song was toned down to a nearly-inaudible level, but it shouldn't have been there at all. And Bring Me To Life was completely inappropriate for that training sequence.
2. Kingpin murdering Jack Murdock. This was a ripoff of Burton's Batman, which itself faced the same problem of the comic origin being changed to create a personal beef between the protagonist and the antagonist. I understand that it helps create a sense of redemption for Matt in the end, which wouldn't have been as powerful if he'd thrown his father's killer in front of a moving train as in the comics (this happened, instead, to a rapist), but it seems like a bit of an overused plot device.
3. Ben Affleck's grief face. Ben Affleck generally expresses grief through his eyes and with tears. This doesn't work since he's a blind man wearing a mask, which results in horrible, horrible grimacing. Also, the shot of him running at Bullseye in the church is a bit laughable.
4. The choice to use the early comics for his relationship with the priest instead of the later comics. In the theatrical cut, they opted for the later comics where the priest knows Daredevil's identity and doesn't quite approve, but doesn't stand in his way. In the director's cut, the priest doesn't find out until unmasking him at the end.

Other than that, this movie was perfect. The camerawork is impeccable. The writing and direction are excellent. The pacing is perfect, instead of feeling rushed like the theatrical cut. The songs used were extremely well-chosen. They'll date the movie in the future, but they fit extremely well. I also liked the references and cameos. The Stan Lee, Kevin Smith, and Frank Miller cameos worked, as did the two brief appearances of Matt's mother, which only comic fans would understand. The references to the most influential writers and artists was nice as well. I also liked the Fight Club reference and the subtle song title references. "Let's bring the pain. Let's bring the noise," for example. I enjoyed how much more brutal the action was and how much more relentless Kingpin is. Many fans complained about his inaction in the theatrical cut, but in the director's cut, there is no such problem. Also, Karen Page plays more of an integral role than being turned down for the dance like the girl in the back of the classroom with headgear. I hope, seeing as Elektra bombed, they give Karen a bigger part in the sequel.

All in all, I was extremely impressed.

(5 out of 5)

Maybe You Should've Stayed Home For New Years: An Objective Review of Assault On Precinct 13 (2005)

2005-01-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

God, I'm slipping with these titles.

Anyway, if my last two reviews have gotten you kiddies down, cheer up, for it's time for *gasp* a positive review.

Assault On Precinct 13, a remake of John Carpenter's 1976 film of the same title, itself a modernization of 1959's Rio Bravo. I haven't seen either of the previous versions of the film, so I went in with a clean slate except for the less-than-stellar reviews the movie has already recieved. I was pleasantly surprised. Jean-Francois Richet, welcome to America.

The direction and camera work were top-notch. The script was good, especially with the excellent twists (other than the one that is almost as obvious as the "Mei is not blind" one from HoFD). The acting was good. The action was intense. The characters were very human and most of them were relatable.

"They're after all of us."
"What about me?"
"All of us. Especially you."

(4 out of 5)

If Lame Ninjas Were Nickels, I Wouldn't Be So Damn Broke: An Objective Review of Elektra

2005-01-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

Lame.

Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame.

Lame.

Bastardization of the comics.

Doesn't make sense.

The magical teenager is obviously in love with Elektra.

Typhoid Mary looks like Fran Drescher.

LAME.

More plot holes than a plot-block of plot-fucking-swiss cheese.

Save your $7, kids.

Not nearly as bad as CINO on any measure, but much worse than I anticipated.

(2 out of 5)

How To Lose An Ancient Chinese Guy In Three Days: An Objective Review of House of Flying Daggers

2005-01-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

If you liked amazing director Zhang Yimou's latest effort, House of Flying Daggers, turn around and leave the room, darlin'. Because this is the quintessential scathing review in much the same way HoFD is very much the quintessential chick flick. Although visually amazing, the action is sparse and what little action there is serves merely to set up the next paint-by-numbers chick flick plot device.

Essentially, House of Flying Daggers is the story of a womanizing man working to eliminate the House of Flying Daggers, a group dedicated to overthrowing the corrupt government. He falls in love with the "blind" "daughter" of the former leader while he tries to use her to get to the Flying Daggers. His informant in the military plays the role of the guy in teen chick flicks that bets the guy he won't go out with the girl and advises him not to fall in love when he does. Now, you may wonder why I put "blind" and "daughter" in quotes. In the most obvious plot twist since The Sixth Sense, we discover near the end that the girl is *gasp* not blind. Except that it becomes glaringly obvious throughout that she's not blind. In fact, when she was introduced as being blind, my first thought was, "That girl's not blind. In any way. Not even slightly." I think if at no other time, it should've become obvious to Jin that Mei wasn't, in fact, blind when he gets his leg cut and she looks at his wound and shouts, "You're wounded!" And yet, somehow, he displays genuine surprise when he finds out she isn't blind. Oh, and on the subject of shitty plot "twists," you discover that informant-boy is her boyfriend from three years before. When he reunites with her, he tries to do a little bit of the old in-out in-out, but she tries to stop him. He asks if she's in love with Jin. Well, dumbass, I think that should've been obvious as you were WATCHING THEM THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. He tries to rape her, but gets pwned in the back with a dagger.

Even the final fight was a disappointing setup for more chick flick plot devices. After about half a dozen false endings (which make the ending drag so much more than it already does), Jin and Mei play a little game of Crouching Blind Girl, Hidden Penis, which is done in a way that looks distasteful and utterly nonromantic while you don't see any of Zhang Ziyi's naughty bits. She tells him he should go. He makes wind metaphors, which, by the way, make up at least three-fourths of the shitty dialogue of this movie. They run off together and reach two horses, as anyone would've guessed after the rest of the movie. He tries to get her to run off with him. He rides off and she's left there to decide. Yet another false ending. He stops his horse. She gets on the remaining horse and rides off toward him. Shithead informant-boy throws two daggers at her. She knocks out of the air and gets stuck with the other one. Shit happens, she bleeds from her mouth, informant-boy blames her, she collapses into the grass, he and Jin fight, it starts blizzarding, she wakes up fifteen minutes later in the longest death scene since The Matrix Revolutions and allows herself to die and the dudes to live. Informant-boy wanders off and Jin is left crying over her snow-covered finally-dead body.

Shit.

Pure shit.

Well, not quite pure.

But close.

It had amazing visuals, amazing direction, and the little action it had looked like it was leading up to the battle of the century (although each bit led to another chick flick cliche). If not for the visuals, this would get an even lower score than it does.

For the record, I don't like Hero better because of the action. The action was much better and I liked Hero's action better, but that's not why I much prefer the movie on a whole. Hero was majestic, complex, thought-provoking, and intelligent, whereas House of Flying Daggers is boring, lengthy, trite, formulaic, and insulting to the viewer's intelligence.

Mr. Yimou, you know you can do better.

(2 out of 5)

I've Been Denied All The Best Ultrasex: An Objective Review of Eurotrip

2004-11-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure what to think of this movie when I went in. Most of the people I've heard about it from say that it's hilarious, but the rest say it's a waste of time. I can see why it would be such a win-or-lose movie with people, but I personally was kind of in the middle.

The movie starts off with a quick progression of events full of jokes that fall flat on their asses, except for the Scotty Doesn't Know gag, which brings out an unlikely Matt Damon cameo and recurs throughout the movie even as its premise becomes less important. The basic premise of the movie is that Scotty finds out his German penpal is a girl after he tells her never to talk to him again, thinking based on his best friend's advice that she's a male pervert. Thus, he has to go to Europe to get her back. This is the first major flaw in the premise. While going to Europe is obviously an effective tactic in scoring her affection back, he goes because she blocks his e-mail address. The obvious solution would be to get another account. But then, that would end the movie too quickly. So he and his best friend Cooper head to Europe. They meet up with two of their friends, who were in Europe sightseeing anyway. They go on a long quest filled with crazy antics that only improve as the movie continues. It begins badly but ends gut-wrenchingly funny.

Overall, if you like stupid humor, Eurotrip is right up your alley. If you like intelligent humor, you'll still enjoy a good portion of it. If you're a humorless zombie bastard, then I hate you and you need to die. Eurotrip is one of the few genuinely funny comedies to appear in the last few years.

(3 out of 5)

Sweet Zombie Jesus, That's Funny: An Objective Review of Shaun of the Dead

2004-10-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Shaun of the Dead was so good, so funny, so creative, so original, so fun to watch...that I had to watch it twice within a twelve-hour span. Easily one of the best comedies I've seen in recent memory.

The film centers around Shaun (played by Simon Pegg, who cowrote the movie with the director, Edgar Wright), an employee for a small electronics store who isn't really going anywhere in life. His roommates, Pete and Ed (his best friend), who are on opposite ends of the Tightass-Slacker Spectrum, don't like each other and don't get along. He takes his girlfriend Liz and her friends David and Di to the Winchester Pub every night, so she leaves him when he screws up trying to change plans when she gets sick of going there. Everything kind of falls apart for him at once. So he and Ed do what any emo British twenty-nine year old and his best friend would do: they go get plastered. They walk back home singing and in a complete drunken stupor, totally missing the fact that there are a few zombies out in the street. When they get home, they play around with a turntable and get yelled at by an irritable Pete, who has work the next morning and has gotten "mugged" on the way home by some "drunks" and has a bite on his hand. They wake up the next morning and after some more hilarious completely-miss-the-zombies moments, see the zombies and work to fix the situation.

There are many things I liked about this movie. First, the accents. It's British, so everyone in the movie has British accents. That makes me smile inside. Next, the acting. The acting is great in this movie. Everyone in the movie did an excellent job of playing their roles. The direction was also very good. Edgar Wright did an impeccable job in terms of direction. I also liked the intelligence of the humor and the fact that it wasn't a spoof, but rather a zombie movie and a comedy movie in one.

I highly, highly recommend you see this one. It's now ranked highly among my favorite movies of all time. Brilliant, brilliant exercise in creative filmmaking.

(5 out of 5)

You're So Boring, Boring, Boring: An Objective Review of THX-1138

2004-10-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

George Lucas is a creative genius and a man I very much respect. His work was best in the 1970s. That doesn't mean that everything he's made, even in the 1970s was great or even good. THX-1138 is a perfect example of that.

THX-1138 is a surprisingly boring, dull, and repetitive Dystopian cinematic abortion. It centers around a society of bald people who are not allowed to have sex and are forced to buy things to make themselves happy. In essence, the message isn't subtle or symbolic, but thrown in our faces as if we couldn't figure it out otherwise. The baldness doesn't really help, either.

The movie is the anti-Star Wars. It's bleak, boring, pointless, linear, almost plotless, and more "adult." It features nudity (which is kind of awkward because the woman is bald), which is definitely not something Star Wars would have. It also features the great Sid Haig, although I couldn't spot him at all in the movie (yet somehow, he gets almost top billing).

Avoid this movie. I'm only giving it as high of a rating as I am because of the fact that the visuals are incredible, especially for their time, although that is to be expected from Lucas. Unless you like seeing Robert Duvall (the titular character) watch holographic porn and masturbate (or have a machine do it, if you have the CG-enchanced new special edition), bald people have sex, a creepy guy who wants THX to be his roommate bother him for a good portion of the movie, and about forty-five minutes or an hour of THX running, you don't want to see this movie.

Don't buy THX-1138 and be happy.

(2 out of 5)

He Who Lives By The Sword Dies By A Whole Lot Of Arrows: An Objective Review Of Hero

2004-09-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this review by saying that Hero is totally badass. Really, if you wanted to, you could stop reading here and that's all you'd really need to know before getting up RIGHT NOW and going to see it.

Hero is about a man without a name (Jet Li) who decided to assassinate the king of his land because he found out he was from an enemy land and his family was killed by his land's military.

Hero is badass. Badass. Baaaaaaadaaaaass. I mean, holy shit, dude. It's so badass. There are so many great battles and great special effects and cool things and plot twists that I can't reveal here. I seriously won't post them because I want all you motherfuckers to give your little bit of money to see it on the big screen, because no matter how vividly I describe it, it won't be even a fraction as awesome as it is to see it on the big screen.

Go see Hero. RIGHT NOW.

(5 out of 5)

Fucked Up Families And Their Fucked Up Values: An Objective Review Of The House Of 1000 Corpses

2004-09-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

Rob Zombie is a lucky bastard. Aside from being rich, famous, creative, and talented, he's married to Sherri Moon, who plays Baby in The House of 1000 Corpses. She is hot as hell and everyone wants to bang her. Yes, I do mean everyone. Guys, girls, straight, gay, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, off that tangent, The House of 1000 Corpses is more of a comedy than a horror, but unlike most modern horror movies, the humor is intentional. You just have to be a sick bastard to appreciate the humor. I'm somewhat proud to say that I am one of those sick bastards.

The House of 1000 Corpses, which takes place in 1977, starts off with a group of teenagers going on a cross-country roadtrip to gather information about weird places across the country. They stop at the freak museum/fried chicken restaurant/gas station of a clown named Captain Spaulding (played by the badass Sid Haig). They go on the "Murder Ride," a state fair haunted house-esque ride that tells the history of certain serial killers, the last of which is a local legend, Dr. Satan. The good Doc was a sadistic surgeon who was hanged for his crimes but whose body was gone the next morning. One of the teens wants to visit the tree from which he was hanged. He forces the others to go there. On their way, they pick up a HOT AS HELL girl named Baby (Sheri Moon, wife of writer/director/composer/musician/lucky bastard Rob Zombie) . A dude in a bear suit shoots their tire out, forcing them to go to Baby's house. Torture, terror, and bunny suits ensue.

The good things about this movie were copious. Baby was hot, Sid Haig was a funny badass, Rob Zombie did an excellent job at directing, especially for a debut, and the cast did a good job at playing their respective parts.

The bad things about this movie weren't so obvious, but were still there. The gore factor kind of slowed things down and made things boring toward the end. By the time Dr. Satan came around and the monster attacked the girl, nobody was really paying attention anymore. The mother, despite striking resemblance to the actress who played Stifler's Mom, was annoying and obnoxious.

So, all in all, The House of 1000 Corpses was a pretty good sadistic comedy movie. Not for the weak of heart, I must warn.

And I want to bang Baby.

(4 out of 5)

It Was Meant To Be: An Objective Review of The Final Countdown

2004-09-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say, if you haven't ever heard of The Last Countdown, don't be surprised. It was a low-budget picture made in 1980 that didn't get a lot of press. But let me say, it rocks.

The Final Countdown is a time travel B-movie, usually a recipe for disaster. But it isn't. The story goes a little something like this: the USS Nimitz, the aircraft supercarrier deployed in the Pacific is on a routine patrol on December 6, 1980. A magnetic disturbance of some sort (the science really isn't important) transports the Nimitz back to December 6, 1941, the day before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

This leaves the Captain the choice: stop the bombing at Pearl Harbor and stop the loss of life that undoubtedly led to the US entering the war when it did, or let it happen and let things happen as they always have. It includes a reasonable amount debate between the two sides: the one that says that the crew of the Nimitz is bound to protect the US in the past, present and future, and the one that says that they can't monkey with the timeline and change the temporal flow.

As low budget as it is, it doesn't at all show. This movie has plenty of shows of technology, with planes constantly taking off and landing, and an F-14 Tomcat shooting a Japanese Zero (another fine Mitsubishi product) plane out of the sky with a Sidewinder missile.

If you're looking for a good time travel story with plot twists right until the end, check out The Last Countdown. If you're just plain looking for a good movie, I recommend The Last Countdown without reservation.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again, Fuckbag: An Objective Review of The Butterfly Effect

2004-09-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that truly makes you feel warm and marshmallowy inside, that brings a smile to your heart and a frosted cinnamon bun of joy to your eye. This is not that movie.

Not to say that it's bad. The Butterfly Effect is one of those great movies you come across sometimes that's depressing as fuck. It may not be as funny as Donnie Darko can be, and it may not match its awesomeness, but it's surely as weird and depressing.

The Butterfly Effect is about Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher). As a child, he has blackouts for periods of time, during which he has no idea what's going on. The first one, which severely worries his mother, is when, in kindergarten, he draws a strikingly good picture of people being killed violently. Later in the movie, it is revealed that he was doing that due to the ability I will discuss later.

Around this time, he visits his friends' house and their dad tricks him, during a blackout, into starring in a child porn film. This event ultimately leads to bad things happening for his girlfriend Kayleigh, the girl involved.

When they're teenagers, Kayleigh's brother, Tommy, decides to blow up a mailbox, killing a mother and her baby and injuring their friend Lenny. He also burns Evan's dog alive. Evan's mother decides to move them somewhere else.

When Evan is in college, he decides to go visit Kayleigh. She doesn't want anything to do with him and kills herself. He finds his old journals. When he looks through them, they take him back to one of the blackouts. He goes to visit Lenny and find out he's gone crazy because he couldn't open the bag to free the dog. He then goes to stop Kayleigh's dad from making the porn movie and encourages him to be stricter on Tommy. When he gets back to his time, he's in bed with Kayleigh in a sorority house. Because he saved her from going through that ordeal and prevented all the bad stuff from happening by default, they end up together and happy. Of course, Evan's old roommate from his original college hates him because he's a frat boy and Tommy's gone crazy. He breaks the windows of Evan's car and sneaks up to attack him while he and Kayleigh walk through the park. Evan ends up killing Tommy and going to jail.

While in jail, he has his mother bring him the journals. He goes back and tries to get the dynamite out of the mailbox. He doesn't have time and ends up with his limbs blown off. Lenny and Kayleigh are together and Tommy's a Jesus freak.

He goes back yet again and ends up doing things that cause Kayleigh to become a whore. Then he goes back again and does things that make Lenny end up in a mental institution. Finally, he does something that lands him in a mental institution. His mom claims he never wrote journals. His doctor says his dad, who, by the way, had the same condition, was the same way about a photo album. He has his mom bring him home movies, which he uses to go back to birth and hang himself with his umbilical cord to prevent all that shit from happening.

First, the good. Ashton Kutcher was a good actor. I wouldn't mind him being cast as Superman. In fact, the entire cast did a superb job. The whole thing was moving and, at times, a bit disturbing in a nontraditional way. Great job all around.

Next, the bad. The girl they got for the teenage version of Kayleigh didn't look like the child or adult versions. Also, a couple of things the mother did were a little off. But other than that, the movie was really good.

The Butterfly Effect is one of the best movies of the past couple of years. It's definitely high on my list. I recommend you watch it, fuckbag.

(4 out of 5)

Pr0n Pr0n OMG LOLOL: An Objective Review of The Girl Next Door

2004-09-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

Of all the teen movies I've seen that were made after the 80s, The Girl Next Door is the best, hands down. It made me laugh, cry, and want to order a ticket on the CPE. Except for the crying part.

The movie is about this guy who's a lot like me. He's a nerd who hangs with pervs and can't get laid. He meets his neighbor's hot niece after seeing her changing clothes. She makes him strip in the middle of the street, then drives off. Despite this, they become close and end up getting together. Then, his perviest friend, who seems the whole time to be a closet-case version of Jeff L., shows him a porn video featuring the girl next door. He freaks out and, following the friend's advice, makes an ass of himself. Sad shit happens, funny shit happens, and the movie ends in a way you wouldn't expect.

First, what worked. Cuthbert. Elisha Cuthbert has to be one of the hottest girls on this spinning mudball. Shit, man. She's GORGEOUS. And she can act. In fact, everyone in the movie could. That was another thing that made this movie work and kept it believable. Everyone in it could act. I was surprised to see a teen movie in which anyone, let alone everyone, was particularly convincing in their role. You look at these characters and think, "Hey, I know someone like that." That someone may even be yourself. Also, there aren't big conveniences taken with the plot. If anything works out conveniently, the makers worked it out where it fit in realistically and wasn't just something uncontrolled thrown in to help the characters out or hurt them to advance the plot.

What didn't work is a much shorter list. Eli got annoying after a while. They didn't make a single joke on the name Klitz, which was way too easy for them to not go for at least one. Also, while this was a much smaller problem, you didn't see Elisha Cuthbert naked. I mean, come on, not even a good preview of a ride on the CPE?

In the end, The Girl Next Door was an entertaining movie that was really unique in its execution. I really don't have too much to make fun of.

Well, except for Klitz's name. Hehe...Klitz...

(4 out of 5)

The Tokenly Ethnic Diverse Group and the Temple of Doom

2004-08-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

View of Earth. Alien (actually, predator) space ship. Cargo bay of some kind. GIANT LASER BEAM OMG!!1!one!!!1 And no one notices.

Alien Vs. Predator is a movie of convenience. The Italian can conveniently read hieroglyphs that are a jumble of the first language ever used, for example. But it's good all the same. The Desert Eagle (Magazine capacity: 8) that gets 13 shots; the untrained woman shooting a .50 caliber handgun without dislocating anything; the handgun that sounds like a rifle when cocked. But all of them add to the drama: for example, the magical Desert Eagle with extra ammo makes for a great last stand.

Of course, what would any post-Matrix action movie be without bullet-time? Thankfully, in this movie, is was used not for bad (House of the Dead, I'm lookin' at you) but for awesome.

Even the little bit of science doesn't quite mesh. Explaining where all the blood went in the tail that was cut off an alien to use as a spear is a sticky proposition. (UPDATE: After reviewing Aliens, I find that Bishop actually stated that after the alien dies, the blood oxidizes and is rendered inert. Why an acid that reacts with oxygen would burn through steel is a mystery in and of itself, however.)

It is likewise mysterious how something as massive as a predator ship in orbit didn't produce any kind of electromagnetic interference such that it would disrupt sattelite communication is beyond me. Or how no one saw it either during the day or blocking out stars at night.

Or why a temple covered in kilometers of ice would have been inhabited by people when it's only moved 86 miles since the evolution of man is also something I'd like to know.

This may seem like it's nit-picking, and it is. But if you can forget about these things (which is easier then you might think with this movie), you'll have a blast.

Technical accuracy: 1 out of 5
Character development: 3 out of 5
Kick-ass rating: 5 out of 5

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Living And Dying In Texas: An Objective Review of TCM2003

2004-08-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

I went in to TCM thinking, "This movie's going to suck ass." Then, I was told that it didn't by people I trust, so I went into neutral mode. It actually wasn't too bad.

It starts off with some teenagers going to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert in Dallas and sell the approx. one megafuckton of pot they're keeping in an oversized version of the Llama. They make the fatal horror movie mistake of picking up a hitchhiker. The girl they pick up is freakishly scared because "they're dead." We never find out who "they" are, but they're dead. She looks and sees that the teens are headed in the same direction of the place she came from and grabs the steering wheel, screaming and trying to make them go another direction. When she fails and they regain control of the car, she pulls a gun out of her vagina and shoots herself in the mouth (self-cunnilingus by association?). The teens, obviously, are freaked out. They go to a gas station where an old lady sells fly-infested pig heads. She sends them to meet the sheriff at an abandoned mill.

In the abandoned mill, they find a little redneck boy hiding in a corner. He says the sheriff's off getting drunk. Luckily, the little boy doesn't pull a gun out of his vagina.

The teens go to a big house to call the sheriff. The man who lives there, whose legs are both amputated, invites Jessica Biel's character into the house to use the phone but won't let her boyfriend in. He feels her ass and makes some stupid excuse for doing so. Asshole.

They meet up with the sheriff. He feels up and fingers the corpse, wraps it in plastic wrap, and takes it away. For some reason, they go back to the house (at this point, my memory of the film is jumpy because I was being called downstairs literally every minute or so). The boyfriend goes into the house to use the bathroom. Leatherface breaks in and pwns him in the back with an axe, then drags him away using the ax.

They look for the boyfriend and, obviously, don't find him. Some other shit happens that I missed, then another chick's boyfriend gets killed too. Basically, Leatherface comes out of the no-legged dude's basement wielding his trademark chainsaw and chases Jessica Biel and this dude out of the house and into an area with sheets hanging from clotheslines. He chops off the dude's leg, drags him in the house, and hangs him on a meathook. Later on, he sticks salt into the leg to keep him alive even longer.

The rest of the movie was just more people dying and the audience finding out that everyone in Texas is creepy and either related to or in cahoots with Leatherface. One particularly fuxored scene was when the sheriff tries to make one of the teens demonstrate how the girl killed herself, then takes him away in the police car to be skinned by Leatherface, hitting him with a liquor bottle on the way.

In the end, Jessica Biel survives, Matt Spivey wins a bet that Leatherface will trip and cut himself, and Biel ends up cutting off Leatherfaces arm and escaping the town by hijacking the sheriff's car and running him over with it three or four times.

Overall, it was a pretty decent movie and a hell of a lot better than most horror films I've seen. Definitely a date or group movie, though. Ultimately, it teaches a few good lessons.

1. Never go to Texas.
2. Never pick up hitchhikers.
3. Never go to Texas and pick up hitchhikers while there.
4. Never pick up hitchhikers in Texas when they have guns in their vaginas.
5. Never trust the lady selling the fly-infested pig heads at the gas station.
6. The sheriff will unscrew the wheels on your car. Even if you hotwire it, if it's not his car, you're pretty much fucked.
7. If you see a guy with a mask made of human skin, run. But don't run into a bunch of sheets on clotheslines, dumbass.
8. Jessica Biel is hot. I know it goes without saying, but I wanted to say it, dammit.
9. Don't go into flooded basements filled with disassembled corpses and your friend on a meatrack, especially while wearing a white shirt, unless you're Jessica Biel.
10. While a slaughterhouse seems like a stupid place to go when being chased by a chainsaw murderer, it has lockers, knives, and rats, so your awesome ninja skills can be effectively utilized.

So yeah...until next time, don't stick guns where they don't belong.

(3 out of 5)

When A Predator Loves A Woman: An Objective Review Of AvP

2004-08-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying I haven't seen any Alien or Predator film in its entirety. But hey, a free pass is a free pass.

Alien vs. Predator starts off simply enough. A black woman climbing a mountain doesn't notice the British black dude she's talking to on her cell phone landing a helicopter at the top. Then, they gather a crew to meet with this old dude named Weyland and don't notice during the meeting when the Predator mothership blasts a giant energy beam clean through a house and through the ice they need to cut through to get to the pyramid, which, by the way, is why they're meeting. They decide to ignore that and use the clean tunnel, which they know wasn't there a day before. Dumbasses.

So the dudes on the surface get wasted by the Predators. The people inside split up like the Scooby Doo gang and all end up dead except for the black chick by the end of the movie. Most get face-huggered.

There's an Italian guy who conveniently knows everything. He knows what schedule everything's on. He knows how to activate everything. He knows what everything means. Yeeeeeah. Right. Anyway, he opens a sarcophagus and they steal the Predators' sacred laser guns. This pisses the Predators off and more people die. Dumbasses.

So anyway, when everyone's dead except for Italian dude and maybe Irish dude, token black chick decides to give the Predator his gun back and they become friends. In fact, more than friends, it seems. Like when they get outside and he takes his mask off, it looks like he's going to kiss her. Sigh, if only he had lips.

The movie ends with the Predator and the black chick beating the Alien queen and the Predators turning off the invisibility cloak of the mothership...that nobody fucking noticed...and leaving token black chick alone in Antarctica (or should I say ANARCHtica...yeah, that's an inside joke). Then, SEQUEL HOOK!

Yeah.

So the movie was actually pretty enjoyable. If you check your brain at the door, which is especially easy to do when you aren't paying for it (free screenings ROCK!), you can enjoy the spectacular visuals and great score. The battles were nothing short of amazing. The production values were very high and there wasn't more than a negligable amount of noticable CG work. So I guess I recommend it, assuming you're on a date or in a group.

(3 out of 5)

My Eyes Won't Stop Bleeding: An Objective Review Of CINO

2004-08-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

Objective? Most of you who know me question how it is possible to analyze the movie objectively, considering I'm among the most vocal objectors toward the movie. Well, this is objective. I checked my brain at the door...of my room...and decided to go in ignoring the campy dialogue and the gaping plot holes. I decided to look for the good parts of the movie and gain from there my opinion of the movie.

Unfortunately, there were no good parts, and my eyes bled no less than thrice per minute of mind-numbingly trite cinematic abortion. It would've hurt less to sit and watch MTV for the same length of time. At least MTV doesn't try to pretend to be some feminist statement.

Anyway, for those who have only read the comics and have no clue about the movie, here's a list of things the movie has in common with the comic...and any other incarnation of the character ever to exist...:

the title.

The movie opens with an ancient Egyptian map, strangely in English, followed by a quick succession of random clips of WAY MORE THAN NINE (can't even keep their own story straight) "Catwomen," with no mention of Selina at all, which is both a praiseworthy thing and a slap in the face.

Patience is one of the most exaggerated, unrealistic characters I've ever had the displeasure of viewing. Nobody is that shy. Nobody is that meek. Nobody is that annoyingly stumbly, frumpy, and clutzy. And this is coming from a guy who just came back from nerd camp.

And don't get me started on that gay coworker.

The only believable characters in this whole mess were Benjamin Bratt as Det. Tom Lone (where do these people come up with this?) and Sharon Stone as Laurel Hedare. When I say believable, I don't mean well-acted. I mean that I could believe that I could believe that Ben Bratt was a cop and that Sharon Stone was an ex-model with a bad husband.

The heavy reshoots shone through. The "HELL NO!" scene was replaced, the "Bast is hard to pronounce" and costume-making scenes were cut, and the "pussy...cats" line was cut. Unfortunately, that made about as big of a difference to the finished product as it would have to remove one hair from Halle Berry's head in a scene.

Alex Borstein's character was also extremely annoying. I love the woman dearly, but she needs to make better career decisions.

The camera work was excellent...for about the first four or five minutes. Then it was all over the place. I felt like an ADD kid after chugging a half-gallon of Red Bull laced with LSD. The colors were garish and the camera wouldn't stay in the same place for more than about half a second. During parts of the film, I was nauseous because the camera moved around too much. Whoever decided on that jumpy shit should never be allowed to work on a film again. In fact, everyone involved in the production should be forced to work the cash register at a redneck trucker stop in the middle of nowhere for the rest of their lives, except for Klaus Badelt, who is an amazing composer, Alex Borstein, who needs to go back to Family Guy NOW, Ben Bratt, who needs to go back to Law & Order NOW, and Lambert Wilson, who just needs to find a better obnoxious Frenchman part like he had in the Matrix sequels.

In conclusion, it was extremely difficult not to kill myself in the face at any given point during the movie. Resisting the temptation to leap from my window when a car speeds by as to be knocked through the woods onto the highway and have my head crushed to a peaceful pulp as to rid my senses from the absolute nightmare that is Catwoman In Name Only was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And this is coming from the guy who laughed at the Exorcist. Whatever you do, don't see Catwoman unless you're prepared for the mental equivalent of an anal probing. And remember kids: if you go see CINO, you may be maced, by the police if not by me personally.

(-27 out of 5)

And Stevo said, "Let there be cynical reviews!"

2004-08-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

What follows is the cynicism of me and my overly cynical compatriots. You will enjoy it. I command you to. Or something. Shut up, it's 11:45.

The first review here is for CINO. The second is for AvP. More will follow. Be patient, assholes. :)